Lindsay Lohan's new career? or Best Drunken ride ever?

Sign me up for the NASA space program! I always thought becoming an astronaut was very difficult to become, and took discipline and the need to be devoted to space exploration. It turns out that everyone's favorite young star Lindsay Lohan, could become an astronaut! She is constantly at a bar drinking until she can't remember, and still has the ability to show up for work! The risk of hitting something is low, since the shuttle has to fly up, and is controlled on autopilot! As long as she takes a cab to the launch site, that is until vehicles are equipped with autopilot! Look out below for when the waste is expelled from the shuttle, i would hate for anyone to have to experience that!

The next shuttle launch could be a solid crew of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney, and the fortunately forgotten Tara Reid. If it crashed, no one would care anyway!

Rehab...Nice try Lindsay Lohan

Rehab is a great program designed to help people overcome a sickness that could eventually take their life. As a court mandated program, or as Lindsay Lohan used it as, a way to bring back an image of a once sweet Innocent girl, does not work. Rehab is more of a vacation for some, a way to talk to, and lie to people by telling them you are sick, need help, and in the end are rehabilitated.

Lindsay is a disgrace to what rehab is designed for. The extra stay, the headphone looking ankle bracelet, were not fooling any of the former Lohan fans! Hopefully, when she gets released from jail, she does not continue her circle of destruction, but I am sure she already has her old room in rehab already reserved, and her next party booked!

I am Michael Vick. A translation of the Michael Vick thoughts:

What you are about to embark on is a journey through the Michael Vick thought process, translated to English:

I am so bored with football! I’m faster, smarter, and better than any player out there. I’m better looking, too. No one can compete with this man, the dominator, the champion, the lord of the football field. I am Michael Vick.

Wait, I have no championships, there are a growing number of solid rushing qb’s that will be better than me, and I’m not the dominator, I get dominated, and thus end up sidelined with various injuries!

What can a rich brotha, the Michael Vick , do to make up for what is lacking in my life. I need to dominate, be a champion, and a lord……Dog fighting!! I can kick they ass, raise a champion, and Mike Vick is their lord and master!

The above is a translation of the only logical reason why a very wealthy, NFL superstar would get involved in what was a popular sport in the early 1900’s.

I, as many, were fans of Mike Vick, and enjoyed watching him play the game, too bad the next game he will likely play in, will be from the jail yard!

Bad Karaoke, Terrible Actors!

Singing Bee! The new hit game show is an invite to all the wanna be actors and mediocre singers, to give them 5 seconds of fame, and the shot at a whopping $50,000 prize! After 2 weeks of the show, and watching the same basic personality make the 6 lucky contestants, i begin to wonder if I would qualify to be a contestant. The qualifications are:

1) Must be able to gyrate body, in what appears to be dancing

2) Must possess the ability to poorly imitate the real dancing, or rocking out in by various artists,

3) Must have the ability to sing off key, in an attempt to rock out like the various artists

4) Must have a deep love toward the superstar host, and Dancing with the Stars runner up, Joey Fatone.

Enjoy the show, but please do not attempt to imitate at home!

Texting, talking, reading, laughing...Driving Too?

It's hard enough to balance texting, talking, reading, and laughing all at the same time. For the average person, this is distracting and difficult to do, especially for teenage girls. Then imagine that girl behind the wheel! This may have played a role in a recent accident that killed five NY teenage girls.

In the NY accident, the police reported that the driver of the vehicle sent and received a text message 38 seconds prior to the accident, meaning that it is very likely that she was typing her response, looked up, and the rest is history.

On my daily hour and a half commute, I have observed some unbelievable acts on the road. Some people forget they are on the road and not at home on the couch! The worst I have ever seen was a balancing act of smoking, drinking a nice hot cup of coffee, and reading the paper! This was the driver, and traffic was moving! Ninety percent of the people, that I observe, that make mistakes, which result in all of the 'close calls', are a result of cell phone usage. With text messaging becoming more common, to send a text message is a thousand times more dangerous than normal talking! It takes two hands, and the need to look down and type, and while driving this equates to no hands on the wheel, and eyes down.

I am as guilty as anyone else on the road using the phone. I have years of experience, and am not a teenage girl, but it is still a distraction. People need to learn from the tragic event in NY, and understand that cell phone usage and text messaging should not occur behind the wheel. Unfortunate as it is to say, this will not be the first or last fatality that occurs from texting behind the wheel. The hope is for people to come to the reality that driving is the number one priority while driving, and that the person waiting to receive a text or phone call, will still be there after arriving.

Harry Potter Book - SPOILER!!

Harry dies! Well, actually that's the way I would want it be! Hermione is getting to become quite the attractive young lady, and I would hate to see her go. The release is so very near, i know the Potter fanatics out there are dying right now, and thinking of a way to high jack the first shipments of the book, which occur on July 16. Look out post office! There may be a swarm of witches and wizzards out, conjuring up spells, to obtain their beloved book, and keep it out of the hands of He-who-must-not-be-named!

Here is a depressing thought for you allthe wanna-be witches and wizards, this is the last book! What now? What's next?? At least there are a few movie releases yet to come, which I'm sure if the tickets were on pre-sale, there would be a line for them too!

iPod's latest buzzzz

Watch out for lightning while enjoying some HOT tunes on your ipod, unless you welcome second degree burns and blown ear drums! There have been two recent incidents of lightning strikes, that traveled up the ipods wires, causing Y shaped burns to the victims and blowing out the victims ear drums. As unfortunate and unlikely an accident as this may be, Apple, the maker of ipod, does not have a warning on the box! This will most likely translate to a very large lawsuit, in which Apple will lose! The case cited to support the prosecution will most likely be the McDonald's hot coffee victim, who was awarded several million dollars, since McDonald's neglected to warn the victim that the hot coffee she ordered was in fact HOT. The easiest way to get rich quick in this day and age is to find a way to sue for various damages! In fact, I think I am getting a headache right now from staring at my computer screen, and I see no warning....million dollar law suit...here I come!

Women's athletics, a firm place on the sidelines!

Women's athletics = no money, and no interest! That is the main point that the bull dike women have to realize! I am not against women playing sports, that's great, keeps them in shape, but the complaining about air time, and use of equipment needs to hit the road! In a recent court settlement, a Lindy Vivas, Fresno State women's volleyball coach was fired. She thought it was due to her constant ranting, raving and nagging to use the work out equipment and get more air time. The court found in her favor, awarding her nearly $6M! Enjoy your money Ms. Bull-dike coach, you have ruined Fresno State money producing athletics!

Tree Man in New Hampshire! "Live Free or Die Trying"

Only in NH. That's all that can be said about the 'tree man' who attempted to rob a New Hampshire bank! The man, who clearly lives in the back woods of the state, had trees on his brain, and came up with the ingenious idea that he could rob a bank dressed as a tree! He thought that since there are so many trees everywhere, that people wouldn't notice! Well, my friend, even though people in NH tend to be a little slow, dim witted, and a little back in the times, give them some credit, after all, Dick Tracy was on the case!

Look out below...while driving in the Boston tunnels

Over 25 years and $14 Billion dollars, a decision was made to use cheap glue to adhere 52,000 lb. ceiling panels in place in the tunnels of Boston. After a year long investigation, it was discovered that the city used inferrior, short-term glue to adhere the ceiling panels, instead of the proper adhesives, and bolts.
I am referring to the project/disaster known as 'The Big Dig', which was started decades ago, and continues to this day in Boston. The idea, and end result were great, except for the pesky ocean water leaks, which could crush drivers in the tunnels, the deaths from unsafe conditions, and use of inferior materials used to cut costs!

The tunnels, which run under downtown Boston, and the connecting waterways, is a great way to get into the city, and to the airport. However, each time in these tunnels, one must pray that at that moment, the glue used to hold the massive ceiling panels in place does not decide to give way! One couple was not so lucky, and died under one of the panels, as driving to the airport. The city may have saved a little money, in the already way over budget project, but I'm sure the lawsuits from the families will far surpass the savings!

What ever the outcome of the lawsuits from both the family and federal government, the tunnels will be opened and operational, but just hope, if you find yourself in one of them, that the panel you are under, was not one teetering to get to the ground!

Clay Aikens Big Gay Quarrel

Clay Aiken, gets pushed by a girl while in flight, and since he obviously is same sex oriented, got a little upset. He clearly felt threatened by the girl, and likely thought he would get beat up. He is obviously still ashamed at being gay, and unable to come out of the closet. That is no reason to hate women, Clay! Or maybe he was upset at his failing career. Either way, this got him in the news for the first time since his male lover came out!

The next time we will see Clay, is when he and Sanjaya are in the news for coming out together!

Miss New Jersey

Leave it to the armpit state, New Jersey, and the trash residence there, to attempt to ruin the career of the one and only relatively decent looking female that the state has produced! Nothing against Jersey girls, but hey, I lived there, and saw what the armpit of the US produces.

On the other hand leave it to Jersey to vote in a trash star/convict to be Miss new Jersey. There can't be a better representation of the state, so why blackmail her to step down? Simple, the first runner up has a far better track record, with her career at the Bada-Bing!

United States National Football

The US national football team is suiting up and heading out to represent the US, in Japan, on July 4, for the world championships. So, who is playing on this elite team? Will Ladanian Tomlinson be starting RB, and Tom Brady starting QB? Nope, not even close. If not the NFL aces, then who? Maybe a first year NFL guy, or a bench, or second or third stringer, would get the job done in Japan. No, still not necessary. So how about a group of College grads, who did not get drafted, and did not get invited to any NFL camps, and basically gave up on football to pursue a normal career. You got it! The skills of a mediocre college football player, from all divisions, are still expected to dismantle the reigning world champions, Japan! It is thought that football will transpire similarly to how world basketball changed into what it is today. The hope is that the rest of the world will slowly pick up NFL standards and eventually get up to speed. So, my guess is, expect the Tom Brady's and Ladanian Tomlinsons, of the 2050's, to represent the US in the Olympics! Good luck to the other teams for now.